I had to watch the second episode of Blood Ties, because it seemed wrong to just do a review on the first episode, which was the first part of a two parter and thus had only half the plot and half the characters!! So this pilot was extra long!

I have actually read the first book in the series, but it was quite a while ago. I didn't like it much but I'm not going to bring any of that here, mostly because my memory of what actually happened in the book fails me on most counts, but also because that's not really fair.

So Blood Ties!

But before I start there is one thing....

This show is filmed very strangely. It looks like it's been filmed through the bottom of a pint glass, smeared light, blurred scenery and unclear foreground. It's also very high colour but occasionally really, really dark, giving the impression it's been coloured in with felt pens. Wha? Is this a design choice?! Because it kind of sucks. I have to say I would absolutely love to see what they could have done with a clear copy of this show. Which is the reason I'm going to use as many promo shots as I can get away with because the caps make it look like it was made in the early nineties aren't always that good.....

Straight off the bat I love the theme tune for this show, the tone, tune and lyrics all work beautifully. I meant to go and find out who sings it but I'll probably forget.

This is Vicki Nelson, she's a PI. I love PIs, (or is it PD's, what's the difference between a private investigator and a private detective?!) Anyway, being a private investigator is a great way to be a cop in a series without actually being a cop and also being alone and broody and not having to do lots of paperwork, or wear an unattractive uniform!! Though they can still eat doughnuts if they want



 I like her, she's feisty and independent without being annoying, she can clearly handle herself and doesn't need rescuing every five minutes. And unlike other TV cops seems to know when something fishy is going on and is appropriately cautious. So yeah, she's a pretty damn fine heroine.

She used to be a cop but she had to leave. Because she has a progressive disease that's very slowly taking her vision and thus she has to wear glasses, and looks pretty damn classy in them too. The promo people don't seem to think so because they never let her wear them for any of the promo shots. I'll make sure to show you her pretty glasses later!

Also she's played by Cristina Cox, and thus pretty! (she could probably even wear an unattractive uniform, not that she'd want to!)


This is Henry, he's a vampire (congratulations show on giving a vampire an age appropriate name!) He has pretty hair and thus I will forgive him his weird chin





This is him being all Vampire-y (vampire-ish?)





This is what Henry and Vicki look like together. Henry isn't very tall but it doesn't matter because he's a vampire (people were short in the olden days! This show is just full of randomly doing things right, and I have no idea whether it's an accident or on purpose!)


This is Mike Salucci, he's an actual cop. You can tell by the badge and the gun and the grimness! He's very good at looking grim and serious. Sometimes he looks grim and serious and quite delicious, and other times he looks grim and serious and demented.


And sometimes he looks a bit like Paul Gross in a blond wig!



Paul and Vicki used to date! This is what they look like together!



This what they all look like together and you totally shouldn't read anything into that


Vicki may not be a cop anymore but she likes investigating things, she feels compelled to investigate things.

So when some bloke is mugged/mauled/sexually assaulted/murdered (it's dark at the beginning so you can't actually see!) She runs across the street to help. She has one of those extending baton things that makes an especially cool noise when she flicks it open! So clearly she is still prepared to beat the crap out of bad guys if necessary!

But the bad guy flees! Like something supernatural.

Paranoid goth girl asks Vicki to find out who murdered her boyfriend. So Vicki gets herself attached to the case and its evidence by generally not taking no for an answer and bribing people with Chinese food. So far she is the best PI ever!


Mike doesn't protest very hard, I think it's quite hard to be authorititive with people that know what you look like naked!

Meanwhile Henry is having sex with a random woman



She gets a little too enthusiastic and Henry has to hypnotise her into going with his hypnotic vampire eye powers!!!!


Yep, that's pretty much all he does in his first scene but the hypnotising vampire eye powers will show up later so I thought I'd better mention them!

Meanwhile Vicki is trying to wheedle more information about the case. Mike uses his 'this is srs police business and I cannot share details with you' face


Vicki uses her 'I've seen you naked' face


We therefore learn a valuable lesson in the first episode. Mike has no willpower. Seriously you could probably get him to do anything, anything!

And the times when he does say no Vicki probably doesn't listen anyway.

This is about the part in the episode where Henry makes 'waking up' look like 'having an orgasm'





Way to make me laugh like an idiot be dramatically not dead Henry.

He goes out investigating too! I can't decide at the moment whether Henry likes investigating or whether he's on some quest to rid the world of evildoers. He had a flashback sequence after all, you usually only get flashback sequences if you're broody and there's someone in your past you're supposed to kill (or if you're Duncan McCloud, and then you pretty much live in your own flashbacks with a variety of silly hairdos!)

Later Henry's hand gets dramatically burnt by some sunlight! So no strolling about in the day for Henry!

Meanwhile in the villain part of the plot!

These are some nerdy guys! The guy on the right who looks about forty and certainly shouldn't still be at school is a frustrated and angry nerd, and also evil! He's an evil frustrated nerd.

And everyone knows when an evil frustrated nerd can't get the girl he will resort to black magic and the summoning of demons.

That's absolutely true, be nice to nerds or they will send demons to eat your face D:

Anyway he's been using his black magic to kill people!

And he cuts his hand so many times in the first episode it's amazing he has any nerves and tendons left to cut in the second!! Everyone knows that in demon summoning you cut the fleshy part of your hand not straight across the palm, you pillock!!


This is the evil cockney demon he's been summoning. A Cockney Demon!!! I can't tell you how much I enjoyed the fact that the nerdy guy has done some sort of terrible occult ritual with blood and stuff and has called up a cockney demon. I want a cockney demon of my very own!!!


Because he's an evil demon he'd like nothing more than to eat the nerdy guy's face off! Nerdy guys is an idiot so you get the feeling that sooner or later he'll do something ridiculous and end up on the buffet menu.

In this case I'm absolutely rooting for the cockney demon!

Henry and Vicki end up investigating in the same place for a change!



Henry utilises his hypnotising vampire eye powers!!


Vicki is neither impressed nor hypnotised, and is pretty much GTFO! Also look at her pretty glasses, aren't they pretty!


Henry is all 'my hypnotising vampire eye powers DID NOT WORK!! He goes and beats up (then eats) some random club thugs to make him feel better (he doesn't eat them all up, they're still groaning afterwards!)


Then Henry and the Cockney demon have a fight! It's clear to me that Henry learned his fighting techniques by watching old episodes of Hercules....


I'd love to know who dressed the Cockney demon!? Because he's straying very close to Cockney Pimp!demon. But this show wins a  'Best use of a bowler hat in any show ever! ' award



Vicki gets knocked out trying to hit Henry, suggesting he is either made of marble, or she is just very clumsy.

Yes, I was briefly confused too.


Later, when Vicki wakes up they're at Henry's place and Henry is wearing her glasses...he's cute in them too!


This is the couch conversation of win. Henry is all 'Vampire! Mwhahaha!' Vicki is all 'WTF vampire?' And Henry is all 'let's team up and fight crime!' Best conversation ever!


Look at Henry smiling! I swear this guy is the smiliest vampire ever!


Henry uses some dialogue which probably didn't work on girls in the seventeenth century let alone the twenty first. We feel embarrassed for him....

Anyway when Vicki says 'yes, ok we'll team up and fight crime already!' we get flashbacks, in which Henry talks about a magic club he used to belong to that called up demons!

Including Marty Feldmen! an evil boggle-eyed flashback demon that Henry has history with ew not like that...I hope.


They figure this is related to frustrated evil nerdy guy. So they look for the Cockney demon using magic tricks.

Magic yay!

Henry is all 'magic is bad and evil and no good' and Vicki gives him the 'aren't you a vampire' face and Henry's face pretty much says 'yes but I'm a nice vampire.' Lol! Sure you are Henry.

Vicki is all 'I can see you in the mirror! WTF vampire legends YOU LIED!

It's probably a good thing because with Henry's hair not having a reflection would probably be a problem.

Anyway Henry goes to fight Cockney demon again, and pretty much gets his arse kicked.  I think the bowler hat has special powers, knock it off Henry!


But Henry gets sliced up enough that he goes all //faints dramatically// 'I need to feed' so Vicki obliges with some random part of her arm.


Just in case you hadn't twigged that this bit is supposed to be slightly dirty/have a penetration theme they put porn music over the top of it. I'm not kidding they do! Way to be subtle show.

Later they go to Henry's apartment and he plays dead for a while. Vicki molests him a little while he's dead and I don't blame her I totally would as well (he's not going to know, he's dead!)

It's just after this bit, she's checking to make absolutely sure.

I got distracted by half naked Henry and forgot where I was in the plot??

Vicki, Henry, paranoid goth girl and frustrated nerdy guy all end up at frustrated nerdy guy's house, in various states of sacrificer and sacrificee.

Nerdy guy manages to call up Marty Feldman the evil boggle-eyed demon, but Henry saves the day, with his giant book.

Frustrated nerdy guy gets eaten, but that's ok. He deserved it.

Mike arrives too late to rescue anyone and gets to look very confused and wave his gun around a little!


Henry is jealous of Mike....even though Mike has less pretty hair, looks grim a lot and isn't a vampire.


Next week there are zombies! And the possibility of a dirty threesome is brought up....

Verdict: Ok show, you've won me over, you have, I'll admit it. I'm not sure how you did it but you did! This show is ridiculous, and utterly silly at times, whoever is writing the dialogue (especially Henry's) should be whipped with branches full of leaves! But I really like it anyway, it's the fun sort of silly and the cast is pretty and funny, really funny at times. There were a few places where I burst out laughing and wasn't entirely sure whether I was supposed to or not! Everyone is slightly mad, in fact I think Vicki is the most sensible out of all of them and she spends five minutes molesting a dead guy! Oh crazy vampire PI shows never ever change!

I shall definitely watch more of it.

Zombies!